I had a couple of days until FPG begins so I thought I would take the opportunity to enjoy some peaceful alone time in nature and camp nearby the fest. So here I am. I am writing this (on my phone) from my campsite in the Ocala National Forest, which I found out is Black Bear Country. I'm not sure how big this bear country is but I do know that I'm dead center of it. (I really shouldn't use the word dead here).
I have to admit that I have thought about "Grizzly Man" more than once while out here. If you haven't seen it, "Grizzly Man" is a documentary about a troubled guy who finds peace communing with grizzly bears in the wilds of Alaska. He camps alone out there for months and much of the footage they use is his. He holds the camera on himself as he hikes around looking for bears. Then when he finds them, he gets as close as he can and films them. He’s given them names and truly believes that they are his friends and that they know he will never hurt them. Without giving anything away I'll just say that, and with all due respect, it did not end well for him. They have audio of the bear attack that killed him because his camera was on but they don't play it out of respect. They show the filmmaker listening to it instead - almost more gruesome that way imagining what could be going on.
So now I’m thinking about that damn documentary again, and in even more horrific detail then was ever actually in the film. The sun is going down in my camp now and the bears are out there, watching me type this and its making them angry. I’m going to be eaten and it's all your fault! If I didn't feel the need to blog *FOR YOU* I would be sitting in my car right now, slightly more safe from the bears, watching Netflix on my phone instead, which thankfully has good signal out here. I guess I could be sitting in my car while blogging this as well - but WHATEVER. They could smash the glass to get to me. I have seen it in my visions.
Let me backtrack a bit. I'm concerned about the bears because when I entered the park I saw a sign that read: "Due to recent bear activity, camping in tents or softsides is prohibited." Bear activity? Don't they mean bear claws? The sign should read: Due to bear claws and teeth and the fact that they have been slashing and tearing away at tents and softsides makes camping in such things suicide! ( I probably shouldn't write signs for the park) Further down the road there's another sign that reads "Safe Camping in Bear Country" then proceeds to give you a list. Don't they mean "Things You Should Do in this Bear Infested Campground Now That You Are Being Stalked As Prey!!!"
One of the items on this list reads: "Your daytime clothes may smell like food to a wild animal." This statement prompts many questions from one such as myself. Does this mean the clothes I am wearing right now (because its daytime) smell like food to a wild animal? And why didn't they say "bears" here? Do the clothes I’m wearing during the day smell like food to *all* wild animals? - i.e. squirrels? raccoons? coyotes? owls? snakes? birds? butterflies?
Ok so I have to figure this out. Is this because the clothes I wear during the day could come into contact with any number of food sources that wild animals prefer such as plants and berries, rabbits, mice, insects and/or donuts? Or is it because *I* have been wearing the clothes *all day* they that they are now considered tasty by all wild animals? If this is the case, then isn't it just *me* that smells like food to all wild animals? Or could it be that daytime attire is simply more delicious? If that's true, and I wish to survive out here, should I just cast aside my nature-ific, camp-tastic, well coordinated ensembles del dia and head out on the trail tomorrow wearing naught but my slippers and jammies?
I think so. Nothing would give me greater pleasure (well maybe a few things). But hiking in my pajamas seems like the perfect day to me. Look for me out there folks - I'll be the one in the woods with the Starwars jammies and fuzzy tiger slippers. If the ranger asks what I am doing I will tell him I am protecting myself from bear attack. ;)